Here we are, at the Awful 8! Wow, I wasn't kidding when I said something about my skull melting: I had to cast the deciding vote in two of the four fights in Round 4 ... Sanity check please.
The Adventures of Pluto Nash vs.
Star Trek V
CLOSE! This one cause me a lot pain ... yes, there really doesn't seem to be
any reason whatsoever why "Pluto Nash" exists, much less when you consider the
ASTOUNDING amount of money wasted spent on elaborate sets and
special effects. Still, I did laugh a number of times while watching it (by
my estimate, it came out to about $10 mil a chuckle) though the movie feels
like a woefully out-of-date parody of "Total Recall" --- but is it worse than
Star Trek V? Tough call. There are episodes of "Voyager" that were far sillier
and more poorly done than the fifth Trek film (not to mention some Season 3
stuff from the original series ... "Spock's Brain" anyone?), but Shatner's inauspicious
debut as director is right up there with his rendition of "Lucy in the Sky with
Diamonds," and was further undermined by cheap special effects and a general
disregard for the carefully crafted internal logic of the Trek universe, so
it's on to the Fatal 4.
Plan 9 from Outer Space vs.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
OVERTIME! In a call that is sure to cause controversy for years to come,
the judges have stepped in and given this fight to "Santa Claus." True, there
are junior high drama clubs out there who can stage better productions than
the one given us in "Plan 9", and my cat could do better special effects ...
but "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" will never ever inspire Tim Burton to
make a heart-breakingly brilliant biopic about its creator.
Rollerball vs.
Barb Wire
No Contest! Did you know the original Rollerball actually predicted the fall
of Enron 26 years before it happened? Read all about it here
.... Let's face it, Rollerball was not a movie crying out to be remade,
and CERTAINLY not on this inept a scale. Something went horribly horribly wrong
early on in the filming -- probably about the time they decided to turn the
track into a habitrail and dress the players in tutus -- and yet, it is still
less embarrassing than Barb Wire ....
Robojox vs.
Howard the Duck
BLOWOUT! Ok ... you know geeks ... they'll buy into the most far-fetched
and absurd plot ideas ... but when you have giant 200-foot-tall robots duking
it out in a stadium with stands of spectators 80 feet away ... and then everyone
in the movie is shocked --shocked!-- when the robots get knocked into
the bleachers killing hundreds ... even dorks aren't THAT lame.
So there you have it -- the 4 finalists for the title:
Star Trek V vs.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Barb Wire vs.
Howard the Duck
Get your votes to me by THIS FRIDAY, MAY 13! Also, I'd like to be done with all this nonsense by next week, before "Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith" comes out, so look for a fast turnaround on the big final vote.