"And when he had opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth beast say, Come and see. And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth."
-- Revelation (Ch. 6, verse 7-8)
 

And the four horsemen were called forth by their names:
Star Trek V
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Barb Wire
Howard the Duck

 

 

Here's the play by play for THE FATAL FOUR

Semifinal #1:

Star Trek V  vs.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
BLOWOUT!  It's interesting ... early in the contest some of you said that Star Trek V would go far -- yet when it actually advanced to the Fatal Four, many of you wrote in to say you were horrified it had made it to that level of suckiness. "Even the worst Trek isn't the worst of anything," one voter said. Ahh, but such is the fickle nature of playoffs that some undeserving teams make it to the big game, while others (*cough*MOON44*cough*) fall by the wayside. Yes, Star Trek V is the worst of the Trek movies, and it ended Shatner's career as a director ... but have you heard his new album "Has Been"? It is quite simply one of THE best records of the year, full of humor, pathos and a couple of great singles. Come home Bill! All is forgiven!!

I Shat you not.

 

Semifinal #2:

Barb Wire  vs.
Howard the Duck
CLOSE CLOSE CLOSE! Now this is more like it, another clash of titans: THE WORST of the comic book adaptations! The question you have to ask yourself is this: is it worse to attempt something very big and very difficult, and fail badly -- or to attempt something silly and half-assed to begin with and still bollocks it up?

Some of you remember when "Howard the Duck" was a great comic book. What originally began as a one page throw-away punchline quickly turned into a huge cult hit for Steve Gerber and Marvel Comics. At its height in the mid-'70s, Howard the Duck was a dark, biting lampoon of American life that rivaled such contemporary satires as the movie "Network" for its insights into politics, consumerism and pop culture (including, and especially, comic books). Well drawn and highly influential, it successfully reinvented the old cartoon tradition of the "angry water fowl" for a bleak modern age (and parodied "Conan the Barbarian" long before Dave Sims created Cerebus the Aardvark). But this was a case where the idea only worked as a cartoon, and Howard the Duck should have never been made into a movie. It was difficult material to begin with -- bestiality was a running joke through the entire series fer cryin' out loud! -- and given the technology of the time simply attempting a believable live-action duck was courting disaster. Beyond these hurdles however were far larger problems  ... Look, there are ways to mix humor, the supernatural and big chase scenes. "Ghostbusters" did it, "Big Trouble in Little China" did it -- cripes, even "The Blues Brothers" did it. "Howard" didn't.

Here's what's really scary: Lea Thompson in her underwear, attempting to seduce a guy in a duck suit, is STILL sexier than Pamela Anderson's entire performance in "Barb Wire." And while Howard the Duck unwisely lifts a couple of lines from "Casablanca", Barb Wire just goes and rips off the entire plot of the famous 1942 movie!

Originally a little-known Dark Horse title, "Barb Wire" is the very definition of a puerile adolescent daydream -- yet the movie version doesn't have the conviction of its fanboy fantasies and fails to deliver even a lame sex-and-violence concoction. The only thing more banal than the "nudity" is the violence. This is an obnoxious, offensive embarrassment of a movie, not just for the audience but for all the actors involved. If you want to see Pamela Anderson Lee in a *good* sexy movie, go rent her infamous honeymoon video. She's a MUCH better actor in that one.

But still, I have to choose between these two complete, unnecessary disasters, and the simple fact is "Barb Wire" had "better" music ... the appalling misfire of Thomas Dolby's original "soundtrack" for Howard The Duck is a career low point for him, and us. The final scene of Howard shaking his tail feathers and jamming in concert as the credits roll makes Rick Dee's "Disco Duck" a masterpiece in comparison.




So there you have it -- your two candidates for THE Wost Sci-Fi Movie of All Time:

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians  vs.
Howard the Duck